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The Protector

 I struggle on the weekends. As hard as it is holding myself together during the week, at least there is routine with work and only needing to fill a few hours of nonstructured time. The weekends can be bad because without a routine, my mood swings to the more negative side. I try to find things to do, projects around the house, exercise, but without those being a requirement like work is, I slack off easily.

I tend to thing everyone else is living this great life and loving every minute of the weekend with their friends or loved ones. That feels foreign to me. I spend time with my friends doing things we enjoy and spending time with my family, but in the back of my mind I always feel like a fraud and what I'm experiencing isn't real. I feel like I'm being tolerated by others. 

It's not that I want something that others have, I have that, I want to be able to believe and appreciate what I have. I don't allow myself to see that. I know that I am doing that to myself, but I cannot accept what I see with my own eyes. I don't allow myself to appreciate reality because I'm too accepting of letting my depression control me. 

I'm trying to understand what my depression is protecting me from, and why is it so prevalent and willing to take control so easily. What am I vulnerable to that depression is stepping in and preventing me from being vulnerable? 

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