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Spiraling

 I often get caught in an emotional downward spiral and can't stop it. It happens quite often and is most disruptive at night. I can't sleep and can't calm myself. My anxiety really kicks into high gear and I catastrophize everything in my world. 

I'm not good enough.

I'm not smart enough.

Everyone else has a better existence than me.

Everyone else has a better relationship with their spouse.

The list goes on, and on, and on, and on. 

I don't know how this starts with me nor do I know how to bring myself out of it. I have talked to my therapist about it and we are working on it, but it really hangs over me. It's tiresome. 

I like to think that someday I'll be better equipped to recognize what is happening to me in these moments. I have a lifetime of this in me and takes work, a lot of work, to resolve what's going on. I don't feel like I am always doing the work required. I give in to easy to the decades of inaction and give up and just move on without trying. It's frustrating. It's depressing. It hurts.  

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