pure jenius.

 Having low self awareness comes with the territory of lacking emotional maturity. It should come as no surprise that I'm blind to being self aware. I don't look at myself from someone else's vantagepoint to understand how I could be perceived by others. It's the lack of empathy piece that keeps me from doing that. I can't put myself in other's shoes. Alas, knowing what I know now, and wishing I new way back when, I'm working on understanding how my emotional state could affect how others perceive me. Because I'm not good at it yet, I can only read myself if I'm super pissed or super depressed. Those are the "easy" ones for me to look at how my outward presence can be different.  What I need, and getting help for, is understanding the everyday perception. When I'm not super pissed or depressed, but when I may be a little off or when I am more "normal." These things aren't easy for me. It takes effort to push up against my ...

 My first response to any external stimuli is usually emotional then in a very distant second is my rational response. There's a time and place for both but as an adult I still struggle with how I respond.  Like many of my behaviors, this goes back as far as I can remember. I'm working on trying to understand the 'why' and how I can, as and adult, become more emotionally mature.  My relationships have suffered because how I react in an emotional and immature manner which has alienated many people in my life. It bums me out but that is also something I need to accept and move on with what I have. 

 I'm no expert on nature vs nurture, my ADHD prevents me from getting past the first sentence and a half of any article. So it's more about me trying to understand myself and the difference between "how I am" and what has "made" me.  Nobody told me how to, or when to bang my head against the floor in frustration when things didn't go my way when I was three or four years old. I have no recollection of the time before that which may have helped shape my responses. But I'm ok with pinning that to the nature part of me. Knowing what I know now about myself and looking back at that time, my emotional outbursts were dealt with by being yelled at and to "stop crying!" and "go to your room!" and "grow up." As a developing child, I was not taught how to deal with my emotions from a rational standpoint, only my emotions were dealt with by opposing larger emotions.  Now I don't blame my parents for their inability to help me, ...