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Rough Stretch

 The past week or so has not been a good one for me. I have not been able to sleep which seemingly has fueled my ADHD which keeps me up at night, and I'm tired fueling ADHD, and I don't sleep. On and on and on....

ADHD combined with depression and anxiety makes for a cocktail of a mess. Depression and anxiety aside, ADHD for me has always been disruptive. Depression and anxiety at least have a function and/or purpose, for me these are protectors from vulnerability. But ADHD is just how things operate, it's nature and not nurture. 

I struggle with staying on tasks through to completion, even ones that I get hyper focused on. On any given day when I'm doing a chore around the house, laundry, dishes, vacuuming....I usually get to the 70% completion point, if that sometimes, and call it good. There will be three dishes in the sink vs ten. Most of my laundry will be completed, but a good chunk will remain in the basket and probably get washed a second time as I start putting dirty close in with the clean.

It also wreaks havoc on a relationship. My wife has an additional child to care for. I have big emotional responses, I lack emotional maturity, I don't take care of the more involved things in life that she takes on herself. It certainly has thrown a health relationship into a tail spin which putting in the effort to stop isn't easy. 

It's not easy because I cannot admit defeat, I can't show I'm vulnerable. The emotions for both of us have been stacked away and has created a pile of resentment. It sucks. I take responsibility for it often because I'm the one who cannot meet the base expectations of an adult. 

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