My low self esteem dates back to my early childhood. I grew up in a household where I was to be seen and not heard. I was told quite often that nothing in the house was mine because I did not pay for it. I was not allowed to have an opinion or challenge the patriarch and authority. This continued through to my adult life and continued to shape how I felt about myself. I wasn't ever going to be good enough. It weighs deep with me today. I have very low self worth and self esteem. I don't feel like I belong in social situations with people who, from my own perspective, are normal. If they only knew how fragile of a person I am, it would be game over for me.
It shouldn't matter to me anymore as I have proven, to myself, that I came from behind to catch up with my peer group from an educational and professional standpoint. It still weighs on me, I feel like others look at me and think that I must not be that smart because I'm only an XYZ at my job and not an ABC.
Of course all of that is unfounded and my own projection of a world I think exists. I'm trying to put the work in to realizing that I am worthy, and that I do matter, and that I have a seat at the table. Unwinding a lifetime of belief takes a while and is frustrating and disheartening that progress is slow. Frustratingly slow.
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