Wheels on Willy weekend

Road Race:
Really big hill. Not good for a buck-90 6+ footer. I saw only small guys the last time I made it up. I had a sandwich and waited for my small teammates to finish.

Crit was fastest one ever. I pedaled a little too hard in the 30+. The 1,2 was a fast sumbitch from the git-go. We missed the break of 5. E-rok lit up the field sprint for 6th. Cole watched his sprint from 8th.

Snide wrote a check to Dale for $1 million. Snide is a nice guy.

Pellis is getting married.

'bout a dozen or so MN'ers made it to Madtown for the bike event. Good to see.

Comments

Rough Stretch

The past week or so has not been a good one for me. I have not been able to sleep which seemingly has fueled my ADHD which keeps me up at night, and I'm tired fueling ADHD, and I don't sleep. On and on and on.... ADHD combined with depression and anxiety makes for a cocktail of a mess. Depression and anxiety aside, ADHD for me has always been disruptive. Depression and anxiety at least have a function and/or purpose, for me these are protectors from vulnerability. But ADHD is just how things operate, it's nature and not nurture. I struggle with staying on tasks through to completion, even ones that I get hyper focused on. On any given day when I'm doing a chore around the house, laundry, dishes, vacuuming....I usually get to the 70% completion point, if that sometimes, and call it good. There will be three dishes in the sink vs ten. Most of my laundry will be completed, but a good chunk will remain in the basket and probably get washed a second time as I start putting

Spiraling

I often get caught in an emotional downward spiral and can't stop it. It happens quite often and is most disruptive at night. I can't sleep and can't calm myself. My anxiety really kicks into high gear and I catastrophize everything in my world. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. Everyone else has a better existence than me. Everyone else has a better relationship with their spouse. The list goes on, and on, and on, and on. I don't know how this starts with me nor do I know how to bring myself out of it. I have talked to my therapist about it and we are working on it, but it really hangs over me. It's tiresome. I like to think that someday I'll be better equipped to recognize what is happening to me in these moments. I have a lifetime of this in me and takes work, a lot of work, to resolve what's going on. I don't feel like I am always doing the work required. I give in to easy to the decades of inaction and give up and just move on w

Back Again

Running up hill on sand is tough, a lot of effort with little gains. That is what this past year has felt like. While I feel I have my ADHD somewhat under control, I still struggle with depression, impulsiveness, and emotional fluctuations. I also stopped therapy. I thought for a while that I was okay and could handle life but only to find that I still need help. I’ll be meeting with a new therapist later this week and am hopeful for a fresh perspective and is someone who will hold me accountable. I feel like my last therapist was the start I needed. I was lost in how and where and what to work on. I feel I was able to get things in motion and found some direction. I confused those first few steps with being well on my way to recovery. I’m bummed that it took me a year to gain that perspective because if I stuck with it I would actually further along in my recovery. I don’t resent or feel guilt for falling back into old routines. I would only feel guilty if I didn’t try and work on

pure jenius.

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